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Foxy Boxy Muffin Tops

Before I become an internationally famous blogger, we need an introduction. You probably need some reason to buy into all the sh*t hat I’m going to send your way. You may want to call my references and check out my street cred.

I’ll give you a quick rundown:

  • My cupcakes are not perfectly iced.
  • My photographs aren’t that good.
  • My kids are kinda bratty. Um, strike the word “kinda”.
  • I didn’t do a great job at decorating my house.
  • Most things that I plant die (except for mint…but really who needs that much mint? How much mint do you use a year? One sprig for some bullsh*t garnish? ).
  • My husband and I don’t have super cute wedding photos. They are more like dated glam shots.
  • I usually don’t look fabulous (outside of dated glam shots).
  • I’m not a pro at most things, but I am a pro at hiding post-baby-body gut. And talking sh*t….I am a PRO at talking sh*t!

You’re in, right? Now you will drink the Keely Kool-Aid. No? Oh wait…I forgot something. I am a scientist. WHAT?! Your brain just blew out of your head! Introduction complete. You’re totally in. Read on.

Baby Belly BS

Something that I never really thought during my first pregnancy was, “What will my belly look like afterwards?” I think I was too busy contemplating the aftermath of my vajayjay. NEWSFLASH, LADIES: Your baby belly will not immediately disappear upon your baby’s exit. It is still going to linger there for a while. And by “a while” I mean like weeks…even months…and possibly forever. If you are a super skinny b*tchface and your body snaps right back within hours of giving birth…well, I hate you because I wish I were you.

You can hang out around your house wearing sweatpants and some hideous top that is conducive to breastfeeding, but eventually you have to leave your house. You may even have to dress up. Why don’t you just hop back into your maternity clothes? Oh, because they were all tight to accentuate your cute-a$$ belly.

But now your belly is sans baby and it’s flabby and gross. And no one wants to see that sh*t, not even you. It’s time to camouflage that mom flesh fanny pack because it’s gonna burn when your father-in-law says, “Hey, you look more pregnant than the last time I saw you.” And the last time he saw you, you weren’t pregnant either. (True story. Tear.)

If David Copperfield could make the Statue of Liberty disappear, you can make this gut go away (without working out, but face it… at some point you’re gonna have to do some crunches…NOOOOOO!). It’s smoke and mirror time. Here’s what you need:

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All magicians need a cape. You need one too–to make your tummy and that b-feeding baby disappear!

Leggings: Pull these b*tches up to your boobs. Viola! Control top leggings! Don’t waste your money on Spanx ® or some other uncomfortable underwear armor. That stuff is impossible to get on or off without the help of your bestie.

Boxy tops: You can slip a baby under that boxy top and b-feed; plus, it covers up your belly. Your new look is boxy yet foxy!

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Your linebacker shoulders have just diverted one’s eyes away from your gut! Why do you think shoulder pads were so popular? Momma, you’re lookin’ boxy yet foxy in this cute, vintage velvet top!

High-waisted pants: High-waisted pants are the new mom jeans! Covers that sh*t right up and don’t you look cute?

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High-waisted shorts are not just for hipsters. These vintage pants were cut off for a sexy look. You can do the same with some mom jeans you’ve thrifted.

Tunics: By definition a loose, thigh-length garment worn by women and the ancient Greeks. The key here is the word “loose” much like your stomach skin right about now. Ewww…so gross!

Layers: This will work in the cold weather. Just keep adding layers-like three shirts and then a scarf on top. People won’t be wondering if you are still fat. They’ll be like, “Is she really cold?” or “Is she homeless?” Layer tastefully to avoid the last comment.

Distract with your face: If you don’t have time to put together a look, just make sure your hair looks good. You don’t have time to wait for your flat iron to heat up? Ok, then just to do your makeup. Huh? No time for that either? Ok, messy bun, Chapstick ®, and please tweeze those brows.

Accessorize: No one will be noticing your gut if you have killer shoes on! Also, baby carriers, slings, and wraps are the perfect accessory to cover up the momma mush minefield.

The most fabulous accessory of all is your baby! Seriously, no one is even looking at you.

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